The Fish Smacker Chronicles
by TehCheezGangsta
Summary: One thing most people don't know about Iceland is that he's a fish-smacker. As in, someone who enjoys smacking people with fish. Watch as he embarks on his journey to smack all the nations. Yes, this is complete crack, thank you for noticing.
1. Chapter 1

**I only have one thing to say about this...just...don't ask why the hell I wrote this.**

An evil laugh sounded through the room as the silver haired boy leaned over a desk, looking at a list and crossing off some names.

"MUAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Today was a very productive day. Who shall I target next?" Yeah, I know what you must be thinking. 'WHAT IS THIS LIST? WHY IS INNOCENT LITTLE ICE TARGETING PEOPLE?' Okay, that's probably not what you were thinking, but let's pretend it was and move on.

To begin with, Iceland has a secret. He's a fish-smacker, meaning he goes around smacking people upside the head with fish as a hobby. None of the nations know about this, he doesn't exactly want to go to the insane asylum.

The list he's cackling maniacally over is his fish-smacking list. This list is said to have everyone in the world, even you. The nations are all on there too, but he's saving the best for last. Norway is on there ten times, and Denmark is there twenty times.

Looking through the page list, he frowned. Every single human name on the list was crossed off, leaving only the nations left to fish-smack. True, it would be fun, but he has to be very sneaky about it. News spreads quickly among the nations, and he can't get a reputation of a deranged fish-smacker, even if he is one!

He mulled over his plan for awhile, before deciding that he should target the quieter nations first. They're less likely to talk about it, so he'll be able to keep his reputation long enough to complete his fish-smacking list. After that, his life will be complete and any consequences he faces won't matter at that point, he decided.

But who to fish-smack first? He looked over his list and found some of the quietest ones to put on a separate list, along with some comments.

_List of easy first targets:_

_Sweden (no one understands his speech, so he couldn't tell even if he tried)_

_Hong Kong_

_Canada (no one can even SEE the dude, let alone hear him)_

_Japan_

He also made a list of people to save for last:

_DO NOT smack these people first:_

_Norway _

_America (he'll tell everyone before I can even finish smacking him)_

_Poland_

Deciding that he was tired and didn't feel like adding any more to his lists, he started getting ready for bed. It was late, since he waited for Mr. Puffin to fall asleep. That guy is a huge gossip, and he didn't want to take any chances. Slipping on his bright pink pajamas (they were the only clean ones he had left, okay?), he jumped into bed and fell asleep.

**That's it for now, because I'm lazy. Who do you think he should go after first? And no, asking that does NOT mean I have no plot in mind *shifty eyes*. Okay, I don't really, but I have a vague idea of what's going to happen, that counts, doesn't it? XD**


	2. Chapter 2

**26 visitors in a couple of hours. You guys are awesome! So awesome that I wrote another chapter much sooner than I originally planned to. I think this chapter is much better than the first one. Well, enjoy. ~**

* * *

Iceland woke up bright and early in the morning. Well actually, it was around noontime, but close enough. After lying in bed sleepily for a couple minutes, he remembered his mission.

He realized something overnight. He could always disguise himself instead of having to risk being gossiped about. He walked to his closet and started rummaging through the various articles of clothing. "No…nah…lame…too obvious…PERFECT!" He pulled out a bear costume. Why he has one, you don't want to know. He quickly put the costume on. Well…he certainly wasn't recognizable now.

After a quick breakfast of canned sardines (they're not big enough to smack people with anyway), he darted out the door to his first victim's house.

He chose to attack Canada first, since out of the four quietest people on his list, he's the least likely to be noticed as he rambles on about some bear slapping him with a fish. That's probably a common occurrence there and wouldn't make the news either, he decided. Besides, he seems like a pretty nice, non-violent person. He wouldn't hurt Iceland, right? Right…?

* * *

An hour later, he stood outside of Canada's house. It was about 1 PM in Iceland, but it was only 8 AM here. His victim was probably just waking up and making breakfast. He approached the door, ready to pick the lock, but the door wasn't even locked! Fail!

He quietly let himself in. Kumajirou was lazing around on the couch of the room Iceland just entered. He looked up, a bored look in his eyes as he glanced over the new guest. Lots of bears just randomly waltz into the house, so this was nothing new to him. "Hey man, you come for some honey? I've got the good stuff." Kumajirou said as if he were talking about drugs.

"Uh…no thanks," Iceland said, confused. "Do you know where Canada is?"

Kumajirou crossed his arms, a bit annoyed. "I'll tell you if you buy some honey."

Iceland thought for a second. The house from what he's seen so far looked to be pretty big. It could take hours to find him in this place, and by then he might be aware of Iceland's presence. He sighed. "Fine. I'll take some stupid honey…"

"Good choice. That'll be $50."

Shit. He forgot about different currencies…he only had Icelandic money on him. Great…

"Uh…I don't have any dollars, but take these instead." He said, shoving a sizeable amount of money into the bear's paws.

Kumajirou scrutinized the money for a minute, before shrugging and giving Iceland a jar of honey. "Close enough…enjoy the honey, _Iceland._" He smirked. Wait, can bears even smirk? This one can, I guess.

Iceland started freaking out internally. This disguise was supposed to be _foolproof_! "If you say anything, I swear-"

"Don't worry, your secret's safe with me." Iceland personally doubted that, but decided that voicing his opinion would make the bear more likely to tell on him. "By the way, Canada should still be in his room. Lazy bastard hasn't fed me yet. And he wonders why I pretend not to know who he is…"

Iceland looked down the two seemingly never-ending corridors that led out of the room. "…And where exactly would that be?"

"I'll tell you…if you buy another jar. Just kidding, I'm feeling generous today, so I'll tell you for free. Take the left corridor all the way to the end, climb ten flights of stairs, take a left, then a right, then a left, then a right, then another right, then climb two more flights of stairs, then a left, then a right, then a left, then a right, and you'll be there before you know it! Simple, right?"

Iceland blinked, dumbfounded. How can someone have such an unnecessarily large house? "Uh…can you write that down please?"

* * *

After an hour of navigating through the maze Canada calls a house, he finally found the right room. At least Kumajirou had given him correct directions, or else it would have taken him a thousand times longer. He took a second to contemplate how to commence with the fish-smacking, and decided to burst in and take advantage of the element of surprise.

* * *

Canada was lying in bed, relaxing. He'd been awake for a few hours now but decided to just chill. It would piss Kumajirou off, and just that simple fact made him smile. See, he knows Kumajirou pretends not to know who he is. That's why he pretends to not know his own bear's name. What, did you honestly think he was _that_ bad with names? Hardly. To sum it up, they're both assholes in their own unique ways.

Yawning, he wrapped an arm around the hockey stick he keeps on him at all times. Yes, even in the shower. You never know when some kind of crazy intruder will sneak up on you, right?

The door was flung open, and a bear ran in, smacking him with a fish. Wait, that's no bear…that's a person dressed as a bear! He knows a bear when he sees one.

Suddenly, he changed from the sweet, not-violent person everyone who bothers to acknowledge his existence thinks he is to something else entirely. He jumped out of bed and swung his hockey stick at the "bear," aiming for the head so he could knock the fake head off and find out the identity of the invader. He did not knock it off, but he got a pretty good blow to the head that almost knocked the faux bear out.

Iceland decided to run for it before this psychopath ended up knocking him unconscious, or more likely killing him. He darted down the hallway as fast as he could, but Canada followed, swinging his hockey stick like a madman. He got some good swings on Iceland's back that would probably take awhile to heal.

After a few corridors, Iceland was tired and in pain and knew he couldn't make it much longer. Canada was still relentlessly chasing him, and he needed to get away now. He realized he ran into a dead end in his desperation to escape.

"Ha, I've got you now…" Canada said, approaching slowly and menacingly.

Iceland did the only thing he could think of to escape. He jumped out the window. He was pretty high up, but even death by falling was better than being at the mercy of that lunatic.

* * *

He miraculously landed on a trampoline that bounced him high into the sky and down to an unknown land. His fall was painful and left a bear-shaped hole in the ground, but at least he was safe…for now, anyway. He stood up and looked around. It appeared that he was in the middle of a forest.

Suddenly, his stomach growled. All that running away from deranged hockey players sure works up an appetite! He sat down on a log and shoveled honey into his mouth, very much resembling Winnie the Pooh. After his meal, he stood up and started walking, unsure of what to do. He figured that if he walked long enough, he might be able to find a town and get his bearings.

* * *

**That was so fucking fun to write. No offence to any Canadians that read this. I know you're not all insane psychopaths that run around attacking people with hockey sticks...just most of you. XD I like this version of him better than the canon version, personally. Where do you guys think he should end up? I'm personally leaning towards some crazy ass Chinese village right now, but I'm not 100% sure yet. I'll think about it during school today, so don't expect another update to come as quickly as this one did. Well, I can't think of anything else to ramble about, so that's it for now. Stay awesome!**


	3. Chapter 3

**That took awhile...well, actually I had most of it a few days ago, but I just got off my lazy ass to finish it now. XD**

* * *

Iceland stumbled through the forest for a couple of hours, lost. He was starting to think that he'd never find civilization.

"Oh no, what if I have to go live with the bears? And what if they find out that I'm not really a bear and eat me? I don't want to get eaten by bears!" He yelled, but then he realized that yelling wouldn't solve anything, so he shut up like the mature, sensible person he is. Yes, he is a mature, sensible person who just so happens to go around smacking people with fish.

He calmly continued walking, hoping he'd find civilization soon. He got his wish shortly as he spotted a small village on the horizon.

As he got closer, he was able to see the village in finer detail. It was a tiny village with small, hut-like structures surrounding a bonfire. A person was standing by the fire, cooking with a wok. He decided to approach. Maybe he could ask to speak to the leader of this place and get travel arrangements out of here, or at least figure out where the hell he is.

"Take me to your leader." He said to the cooking villager. Heh. He'd always wanted to say that.

The guy nearly jumped ten feet in the air at the sudden voice. Turning towards the sound of the voice, expecting a person, he saw what he thought was a bear. "AH! BEAR!" He threw his wok in the air in shock. Apparently, he was cooking fried rice. "What you want? Why you no stay in forest?" He said in Engrish while lunging for the wok, ready to use it as a weapon.

"I'm not here to hurt you, I just want to talk to your leader." He paused. "Do what I say or I'll eat you." He barred his felt "teeth" that no person in their right mind should think are actual teeth, but somehow they do anyway. Might as well take advantage of being mistaken for a bear.

"No! I take you to see leader now! You follow me!"

* * *

Hong Kong and China sat side by side in the biggest hut in the village. Hong Kong was seated on an elaborate, regal throne that was incongruous with the rest of the hut, and China…well, he was just visiting and there weren't any other chairs, so he kinda just pulled up a box and sat on that. They were being fanned by two villagers, each holding ridiculously large fans

"Hm. Not bad hideout you got here." China said. "Where the fry rice?"

Hong Kong sighed. "Use proper English…"

"Fine." China sighed. Speaking Engrish was so much more fun! "Fan faster, bitches!" He shouted at the villagers that were fanning them as they promptly sped up. "Is that better English?"

"Do not treat my people with disrespect. It is by my good grace that I invited you here…bitch."

China stood up on his cardboard box and glared down at him, trying to assert his dominance. He kind of failed at it, especially since the weak cardboard collapsed under his weight and he ended up falling on his face. He quickly jumped up, pretending that never happened. "Excuse me? You treat your elders with respect, young whippersnapper!"

Hong Kong uttered the words that pass through the lips of every teenager at some point. "Yeah, whatever…"

"Leader this way." The villager said, walking into the room with Iceland in tow.

"Thanks bro." Iceland said. He quickly paused in the doorway at what he saw. Hong Kong and China! Good, that's two for the price of…none really, since he wasn't really looking for any of them this time. Taking advantage of this wonderful opportunity, he quickly walked up and smacked them with his handy-dandy fish. Yes, the same one he smacked Canada with. He stored it in his…bear…costume thing. Don't question it!

"Get back here you villainous bear! Bitches, after him!" China yelled as the "bear" escaped. The aforementioned "bitches" dropped their gigantic fans to give chase.

Iceland dashed through the village, desperate to get the hell away from these people and get home. He was getting tired from all this running and fish smacking. Then, by some miracle, he found a horse.

He quickly hopped onto the horse and rode away into the sunset.

Just kidding! That would be boring as hell. Besides, someone who has no experience with horses does not simply hop onto a horse, especially not a dirty fish-smacker like Iceland! This boy has some serious ISSUES!

The horse snorted angrily before he even got near it. Oh, that horse knew Iceland was no do-gooder. Or maybe the horse mistook him for a bear like everyone else in the story. I mean come on, the costume isn't THAT realistic!

Anyway…Iceland was all, "bitch please!" and tried to jump on anyway. He slipped and fell face first and if he didn't know any better he could have sworn the horse just laughed at him. The head of his little disguise almost came off. That would have been bad, seeing as China, Hong Kong, and the bitches were now in his sight range.

He quickly got up and attempted to jump on again, and this time he was successful. Barely, though. His arms and legs dangled off the sides of the horse while he lied there on his belly. As soon as he was on, the horse broke into a sprint in attempt to get him off.

Iceland freaked out, flailing his arms to try to pull himself upright. He managed to, after almost falling off a couple of times.

"Ha. Bye bitches…and Hong Kong and China." He said, actually turning to wave. He almost ran into a tree because of it, but it was worth it.

* * *

**I was going to write more, but then decided I didn't feel like rambling about how he got home. Just pretend he stowed away on a boat or something.**


	4. Chapter 4

***insert obligatory AN here***

* * *

"SEALAND! Give me back my laptop you little bitch! No! Don't you dare press that power button on me! I WILL END YOU." Ladonia yelled.

"I'm gonna press it!" Sealand taunted, finger hovering dangerously close to the power button.

"THAT'S IT!" Ladonia tackled him to the ground, laptop tumbling a few feet away and miraculously not breaking.

"BOTH OF YOU STOP IT!" Wy shouted, picking up the laptop. "I will hold onto this, since you two _Neanderthals _can't seem to show any signs of intelligence or even common sense." She sighed. _Why do I even associate myself with these morons…_

"You're so mean Wy, always ruining our fun…you stick in the mud." Sealand muttered.

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Are too!"

"Am not! Wait…you tricked me!" Sealand pouted.

As they were arguing, a creeper van pulled up. You know, those white, windowless vans that could have anything from pineapples to fish to children trapped inside. This one had a sign that said "Free candy! Just hop in the back!" and appeared to be driven by a bear.

"Ooh! Free candy! That doesn't seem sketchy at all! Let's get some." Sealand said.

"Seems pretty legit to me." Ladonia agreed.

"Um…can you guys possibly put your heads together to finally form a single brain cell? Obviously there isn't any candy in that van." Wy said, being the brains of the group as usual.

"Come on Wy! Don't be a lame!"

"Yeah, don't be a lame!"

"Yeah, be a cool kid!" The bear said, leaning out the window. "I have cookies…"

Wy suddenly went from being a smart, mature girl to being dumber than Sealand and Ladonia combined. "OMG, COOKIES! I'M IN!" She opened the back doors and jumped in, dragging the other two with her. "Wait…there's no cookies here…" She said, coming back to her senses. She went to open the door, but it was locked. "Let me out!"

Iceland cackled maniacally and quickly accelerated, making the three micronations fall over. His driving was very dangerous, since he didn't have a license and had no fucking clue how to drive. This was his first time driving ever, and it's a miracle he didn't cause any accidents.

Many insults and swears and random things were shouted during the ride.

"YOU SUCK!"

"LIAR! I DEMAND COOKIES!"

"YOUR MOM HAS TESTICLES!"

"I WANT A SPONGE BATH!"

"YOU'RE AS UGLY AS A COCONUT!"

"CAN I HAVE A HAMSTER AFTER THIS?"

"I'M SO ANGRY I'M GONNA YELL! GRRRRR!"

"I STILL WANT A FUCKING SPONGE BATH!"

Well…I think you get the idea. They were pretty pissed off.

Iceland was so distracted by these comments that he ended up crashing through a wall. Luckily it was a pretty weak wall, so the creeper van wasn't too damaged, but still! Epic fail, Iceland!

The building he ended up crashing into turned out to be an abandoned warehouse of some sort. Pretty cliché, I know, but too bad. Deal with it.

Iceland got out and opened the back door, promptly administering the fish slaps to the three of them.

"Here, have some cookies. See, I keep my promises. I'm not a liar." He said, pulling some cookies out of the back pocket he sewed onto his bear suit to store things like cookies and honey and fish and whatnot.

"YAY, COOKIES!" Wy cheered, somehow forgetting that he's a creeper who just slapped her with a fish and took all the cookies. "ALL FOR ME!" She quickly stuffed them into her mouth and gagged. "EWW, TASTES LIKE BUTT! AND FISH! GROSS!"

Oh no she didn't. "YOU TAKE THAT BACK BITCH! MY COOKIES ARE AMAZING!" Iceland pulled out another cookie, taking a bite and trying not to throw up. "SEE, FUCKING FANTABULOUS! YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE NO TASTE! YOU DON'T GET A LOLLIPOP NOW! ONLY YOUR LESS ANNOYING FRIENDS GET SOME!" He handed out lollipops to Ladonia and Sealand.

"FINE, I DON'T WANT YOUR FUCKING LOLLIPOPS! THEY PROBABLY TASTE LIKE BUTTS AND FISH TOO! COME ON, WE'RE OUT OF HERE!" She took Sealand and Ladonia by the arm and elegantly lead them out of the hole in the wall.

Iceland gasped dramatically. "FINE, YOU BITCH. YOU AREN'T WORTHY ANYWAY!" He got back into the creeper van and drove out of the hole, driving off to return the van back to its original owner…LATVIA!

* * *

**...This story is the reason I shouldn't be left unattended. XD I think I'm starting to get an unhealthy obsession of the micronations. And yes, Latvia owns a creeper van, because I said so.**


End file.
